ually insecure, but why, EXACTLY?

when i was a little girl my siblings and i were molested by a man who lived in our parents' barn. i remember being afraid to tell, but not afraid of him specifically. he offered us frozen berries or something [when i was a child my parents forbade candies and meat products so anything sweet and not normally provided was extremely appealing] and told us that if we ever told our parents he's hurt us really badly, never adding a word after that. one of the middle children, my sister, eventually told on him and he was sent to prison/jail, i'm not sure which i was too young to differentiate between the two. i was just happy that the creep man who shared the same name as my father had moved out of the barn. my family was really hippie grounded so nudity was the norm until i was about 9 or 10. i remember during middle school when all the girls were talking about making out with boys and hand-jobs and all that other business. i was nervous and rather appreciated my boyfriend who was older, better looking, and obviously more respectful than the boys my friends were hanging out with. he only tried to advance on me once and i made it clear that i was not ready, he understood and stayed around even though all i was comfortable with was spending time together and the occasional shy peck on the cheek or lips. by the time high school came my girlfriends were practically taunting me for the fact that i still had not "made-out" [which i soon found is not much to my liking anyway] with a boy. i went through maybe 4 boyfriends collectively throughout middle/high school. the first two during middle school, the second of which was very physically abusive and didn't last long. my first boyfriend in high school i kissed a few times and was really infatuated with for a little over a year. the second, he was my best friend for a year before anything happened and our lives sort of fell apart at the same time almost throwing us into each others arms, so we sort of just happened. i ended up sleeping with him rather quickly..too quickly i realized a year later. i was comfortable with him though, ually at least. i didn't feel threatened, and i didn't feel like uality was the center of our relationship, more like a very distant aspect of it. i've always been uncomfortable performance wise with anything, i don't usually like to try doing new things because i'm afraid of failing and whatnot. but since we broke up, it's been a year and 2 months now, i haven't been comfortable nor wanting nearly as much. i know my boyfriend has alot more experience than i do because of our age difference so i think that has a little to do with it also. my current boyfriend who i've been with for 6 months now, i suspect he is a addict. it's a major clash with my insecurity. it's like i'll be feeling fine, and then he'll say something in the middle and i'll get so insecure about it i damn near start crying. i don't understand it..